Marauder's Guide Book
by ParadoxOfInfinity
Summary: Marauders... they're the objects of envy for Hogwartians, and the true definition of mischief. This, my friends, is a guide for puckish Marauder fanatics everywhere. What for? To learn the proper way of conducting mischievous behaviours of course!
1. Welcome, or Be Gone

Disclaimer: Own all except for the Marauders.

**Marauder's Guide Book – The Proper Way of Conducting Mischievous Behaviors**

_Presented to you by the Marauder Corporation –_

A quick note from the Marauders before you start reading…

FREEZE SUCKERS! This guidebook is to be, by no means, seen by anyone outside the MC (Marauder Corp.) without the permission of James Potter, Sirius Black, or Remus Lupin. You may have noticed that our fourth Marauder, Peter, is not included in this, as he is quite susceptible to bullying, threatening, or loud, dramatic speaking of any kind.

Not scared now, are you? Well, here are the consequences of not listening to our wise words.

If you don't put this book down within ten seconds, you will find your hands starting to blister (thanks to Mr. Pettigrew) If you don't carefully put this stack of parchments back to where it belongs to within 30 seconds, you will find yourself with a very bad case of itchy chickenpox (bravo, Mr. Lupin) _If_ you don't give our holy Guide back to one of us Marauders with humble bows within 50 seconds, you will find that you are now turning into a ferret. If you now have been holding on to the sacred parchments of the Marauders for one minute…

Turn around, and you will find four smiling Marauders pleasantly pointing at you with their wands.

x-x-x

If you are still clutching tightly to this stack of parchments, you are either the Headmaster, or, as it should be, our ally. If you're Professor Dumbledore…WE SWEAR WE WEREN'T PLANNING TO SET FAWKES ON FIRE! Or, if you are our friend as we hoped…we Marauders sincerely say, with all the mischief in our hearts, _enjoy_.

Mischievously Yours,

Prongs,

Padfoot,

Moony, and

Wormtail

P.S. Thanks Wilber Lovegood for transcribing our member profiles on the following parchments with your broken quill!


	2. Member Profile I

Disclaimer: Own all except for the Marauders.

_To James Potter – for helping me to successfully mount a broomstick._

**Section I: Introduction – Profiles of Members of Faculty**

_Marauder I – James Potter_

Title:

**Head of Department of Mischief**

Given Name:

James Potter

Tolerable AKAs:

Potter/Prongs

Intolerable AKAs:

Jamsie/Prongsie (Warning: Used under strict restrictions by Sirius Black _only_)

Profession:

Beating the crap out of Slytherin at Quidditch, making fun of Severus Snape's sorry existence, getting rejected by Lily Evans 24 times a day, 168 times a week, 672 times a year, etcetera, etcetera.

Likes/Hobbies:

Looking at, talking about, and annoying Lily Evans, playing Quidditch, seeing Snape humiliated, seeing Snape injured, thinking of Snape's death, and patting/bathing/cleansing his broomstick – Robert the Cleansweep.

Dislikes/Hates:

SEEING SEVERUS SNAPE ALIVE AND HEALTHY, and going to the dreadful Divination classes.

Accomplishments:

Burning Professor Binn's ashes, setting Professor Dumbledore's beard on fire (which he had been thanked for), feeding Fawkes an emerald gobstone without getting caught, successfully transforming Roudolphus Lestrange into a pink ferret, skillfully tongue-tying Snape for calling Lily Evans a You-Know-What, and successfully becoming an Animagus.

_(Note: Listed only recent pranks, otherwise I'll run out of parchments.)_

Saddest Moments:

When he first had the misfortune of meeting Snape on his first train-ride to Hogwarts, when he got creamed by the Slytherin Quidditch team because of a bad case of thumb-thitis, and when he gets rejected (note: present tense) by Lily Evans, which is 24 times a day, 168 times a week…(refer to 'Profession' for specific numbers)

Best Moments:

When he first met Lily Evans, every time Gryffindor wins the House Cup or Quidditch game, and every time he successfully jinxes Snape and his gang.

Favorite Subjects:

Everything except for Divination and History of Magic.

Least Favorite Subjects:

Nothing except for Divination and History of Magic

Favorite Teachers:

Professor Dumbledore (otherwise known as Bumblebee),

Professor McGonagall (otherwise known as Minnie), and

Professor Slughorn (otherwise known as Sluggy)

Least Favorite Teachers:

ARGUS FILCH

Favorite In-School Pets:

Moony, Fawkes.

Least Favorite In-School Pet:

MRS NORRIS

Mortal Enemies:

Severus Snape (otherwise known as Snivellus),

and all the other losers who belong to Slytherin.

Favorite Quotes:

"S-N-A-P-E, what does that spell? GREASEY-HARIED LOSER, of course!"

"I love you, Evans!"

"Peter, my dear friend, would you please STOP TUGGING MY SLEEVES!"

"Call me Prongsie one more time, and I'll pants you, _Paddie-foot._"


	3. Member Profile II

Disclaimer: Own all except the Marauders.

_To Sirius Black – for doing my Charms essay every term at only 50 Galleons!_

**Section I: Introduction – Profiles of Members of Faculty**

_Marauder II – Sirius Black_

Titles:

**Manager of the Equipments of Mischief & Co-Director of the Conductivity of Foul Play**

Given Name:

Sirius Black

AKAs:

Black/Padfoot/Serious

AKAs You'll Die For Saying:

Siri/Paddie-foot/Dog-foot/Doggie/Doggie-foot (the last pseudonym will be the key to a painful, painful death)

Likes/Hobbies:

Kitchen elves, food, going on dates

Dislikes/Hates:

(refer to The Worst Day of His Life)

The Worst Day of His Life:

The day Mrs Snape became pregnant (no offence to her, of course, since it's not her fault that her son's DNA became genetically mutated and turned out to be a complete slimy git)

Favorite Phrase In the Whole Wide Hogwarts:

Anything with the words "Snape", "alone", and "Hungarian Horntail" in it.

Things that Will Bring Him Apprehension:

Bringing a happy, healthy, and/or mobile Severus Snape into his presence, getting tight on dates.

Most Pissed-Off Moment:

When he only got an "E" for his Transfiguration term paper on becoming an Animagus.

Best Moments:

Every time he successfully pulls a prank on the desired target(s), which, 99 percent of the time, is Severus Snape.

Favorite Subject:

Charms&Lunch

Least Favorite Subjects:

Everything besides Charms and Lunch

Favorite Teacher:

Professor Dumbledore (otherwise known as Bumblebee/Dumbly-dore/Bumly-door)

Least Favorite Teachers:

Everyone besides (refer to 'Favorite Teacher')

Funniest Animal He Had Ever Seen:

Wormtail - the rat with the fat

Favorite Quote:

"Prongsie Prongsie Prongsie Prongsie Prongsie."

x-x-x

_Note: This is a specified section which Sirius has so earnestly requested yours truly to include in his personal profile. All data comes from Mr. Black himself…which, I have to admit, is a bit exaggerated..._

Number of Dates Per Morning:

Three, with the most popular Gryffindor girls (_of the day_)

Number of Dates Per Lunch/Noon:

Ten, with every female member of the Magical-Cooking Culinary Association.

Number of Dates Per Evening:

_For the fear of this parchment getting befallen in the wrong hands, the specific number shall not be stated as it will bring animosity and _immense_ indignation to the rest of the male population, who are scarcely getting any dates at all._

Tips From Sirius On – What Else, Dating!

Most Favored Gifts Among Girls:

Haven't yet discovered any.

Least Favored Gifts Among Girls:

Pretty dolls (see how easily they get jealous?)

Most Successful Pick-Up Lines:

None needed if you are as good looking as me.

Least Successful Pick-Up Lines:

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you first." (Comment: Dude, you're sick)

"Beww BEWWW Beww (She asks, 'What?') That is the sound of the ambulance coming to pick me up because when I saw you my heart stopped!" (Comment: Three words – lame, LAME, and **_LAME_**)

"HEY, you are a girl…wanna go out with me?" (Comment: …4$#12$8#...)


	4. Member Profile III

Disclaimer: Own all except Marauders.

_To Remus Lupin – who does not want this piece of parchment written in the first place whatsoever._

**Section I: Introduction – Profiles of Members of Faculty**

_Marauder III – Remus Lupin_

Title:

Remus claims he is **_not_** part of the Marauder Corporation of Mischief (the word "not" is stressed due to Remus' personal request)

Given Name:

Remus Lupin

Preferred AKA:

Nothing except Remus Lupin

Likes/Hobbies:

Reading, learning, studying, and anything else that relates to school.

Dislikes/Hates:

The name MOONY, getting in trouble (which is impossible here in MC), and seeing full moons…

Worst Fear:

Getting anything below "E" for an assignment.

Proudest Moment:

When he beat James and Sirius on a Divination paper.

Worst Moment:

When he got an "A" for one of Slughorn's especially difficult Potions assignment.

Favorite Subjects:

Everything except for Potions

Least Favorite Subject:

Potions

Long-Term Goals:

Become the Head Boy, improve in Potions, and get an actual date (inevitably with the help from Sirius)

_Tips From Lupin On – What Else, School!_

Rule #1: Study _before_, not during a test.

Rule #2: Using Professor Binns as your subject for your Famous Witches and Wizards term paper will get you an "O" for sure.

Rule #3: Be nice to Fawkes…it has powerful friends…

Rule #4: Establish a good relationship with Mrs Norris.

Rule #5: **Keep yourself _out_ of the Slug Club, _at all cost_**.

Rule #6: Don't get caught calling Professor McGonagall "Minnie" when she has a wand in her hand.

Rule #7: If Professor Flitwick has heard you calling him "short" before, or any other words of the like in this case…good luck on staying human.


	5. Member Profile IV

Disclaimer: Own all except Marauders.

_To Peter Pettigrew – You are a, er, nice rat..._

**Section I: Introduction – Profiles of Members of Faculty**

_Marauder IV – Peter Pettigrew_

Title:

**Currently retired - formerly in charge of the Marauder Surveillance/Welfare Coordination**

Given Name:

Anything is okay with Peter Pettigrew, as long as you do not hex/injure/frighten/curse/stun/immobilize/bully him in any way

Hobby:

Going to James' Quidditch games, bragging about his being a Marauder, et cetera, et cetera

Hate:

Missing James' Quidditch games, being compared to a rat/mouse/rodent of any kind

Goal:

Make it through Hogwarts alive and human

Proudest Accomplishment:

When he managed to escape Severus Snape's curse _twice_ in a day! (Comment: Wow…that _is_ impressive, especially for Peter)

Favorite Quotes:

"MARAUDERS, _RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!_" (Always followed by uncharacteristically fast running)

"I do not worship James, Sirius, but he is just _so _cool." (Usually accompanied by massive drooling)

"Mr. Sna-Snape, I swea-swear I have not an idea who sta-started the Sni-Snivellus-calling!" (A visit to Madame Pomfrey immediately follows)

x-x-x

_This is a specified section of which Mr. Pettigrew has so kindly requested me to include._

_Warning: The following parchment may contain scenes of violence, obscene acts of cowardice, timidity, and chicken-heartedness. Viewer discretion serenely advised._

Tips from Peter On – oh, you figure it out yourself…

_Reasons Why You Shouldn't Infuriate Severus Snape_

One - He is the president of the Slug Club.

Two – Lost body parts can be found in his trunk.

Three – His most commonly used everyday-spell is _Morsmordre._

Four – His second most commonly used everyday-spell is _Crucio_.

Five – His name is Severus Snape (!)

Six – The word _severus_ means 'to sever' in Mermish.

Seven – Read, reread, and read three times reason #3.

_When Trying to Escape Marauder Missions…_

_Do you?_

a) Purposely jinx yourself badly and claim it the work of Severus Snape?

b) Listen to an immature Mandrake so you would have a reason to go to Madam Pomfrey's?

c) Hide in the Room of Requirement?

If you have chosen 'A'…well, if you know how to jinx yourself impermanently, go ahead and do it. But chances are, if you are someone (like myself) who tries to avoid going n Marauder missions at all cost, then you are most likely to have not passed Charms nor Defence Against the Dark Arts since year one…

If you have chosen 'B', Wormtail has one word for you – IDIOT

If you have chosen 'C', congratulations! You fully qualify as a cunning, careful Marauder who does things to their own advantage (like myself, of course)

xx**MY FIRST AUTHOR'S NOTE**xx

My philosophy: No review, no update, simple as that :)


	6. Q&A Part I

Disclaimer: Own all except Marauders.

**Section II: Questions You Want Answered Part I**

An interview is to be conducted with our favorite Marauders via Wilber Lovegood, editor of the Marauder's Guidebook. Each will be asked questions submitted by the Official Marauders Fan Club of Hogwarts (OMFCH in short) which consists of 177 members, still growing.

Actions will be scripted in brackets (…)

Editor: Hello Marauders! As you already know, today I'm going to -

James: Yes, yes. An interview. Now move it. You have exactly fifteen minutes before our next prank –

Sirius: - make that ten minutes.

James: Thank you, Sirius.

Remus: (scowls) Sorry about doing this in a rush, Wilber. But James and Sirius _insisted_

on trying their new acid powder thing on Severus –

Peter: (gasps) We are trying _what_ on Mr. Snape?

Sirius: (impatiently) Our all-new Annihilative Acid Powder, Peter. It's not lethal or anything. (cackles) Heck, we're just going to give him a new, more mutated look. (cackles again) Oh, and _what_ did I say about calling Snivellus _MR. SNAPE_, Peter

Peter: Er –

James: - don't even _think_ about using the I'm-not-feeling-so-well excuse again. You used that this morning when we went hexing Avery.

Peter: But what if I really _am_ feeling unwell –

James: (threateningly) Don't push it, Peter.

Peter: Yes sir James sir.

Editor: (laughs) You Marauders lead the most interesting lives –

Remus: Uh, not to rush you or anything, Wilber. But…the interview?

Editor: Ah, of course, of course. (takes out cue cards) Okay, the first question is for Sirius…hmm, what kind of girls do you prefer to date, in terms of their Houses?

James: (wears an expression that says you-must-be-kidding-me)

Remus: (wears similar expression as person above)

Sirius: Ehh…difficult question you asked there, Mr. Editor. But, what can I say? Hufflepuff girls are practically zombies on dates…and Ravenclaw girls are just a tad too conservative for their own goods. And obviously, not even a thousand Crucios could ever make me go out with a Slytherin. So that leaves me – the lovely Gryffindor girls.

Editor: Ah, sums it up for all of us Gryffindor guys. Second question, for James. (eagerly) Is it true that you are stuck with a permanent Itchy-Hair Hex and is _that _the reason why you have to rumple your hair so much? You know, to ease the itchiness?

Sirius: (laughs in the most deafening volume – the word 'deafening' is stressed) AHAHAHAHA! _ITCHY HAIR HEX?_ (now falling off the chair due to his uncontrollable laughter – the word uncontrollable is stressed, as well)

James: (makes obscene gesture with hand)

Editor: Er, okay…I take that as a 'no'. (looks around nervously) Oh, and Sirius? You can stop laughing now. People are staring.

Sirius: (unable to answer due to hysteric laughter) (now turning into a delicate shade of purple…from lack of oxygen, I suppose)

Editor: _Any_way, next question, for Remus. What would you say are the most important keys to success in terms of academics?

Remus: Wait, I can't hear you. STOP LAUGHING SO LOUD, SIRIUS! Say that again?

Editor: (repeats question)

Remus: My apologies, Wilber. But _Black_ here is laughing like a freaking madman…allow me. (takes out wand and points it at Sirius) Silencio!

(thankfully the maniacal laughter of Sirius Black can no longer be heard)

Editor: Thank you Remus. So, I was saying, being the nerd – I mean, scholar, that you are, what would you say is the key to academic success?

Remus: Ah, that's an easy one. Four simple words, my friend - stay awake in class.

Editor: Valuable advice indeed. I'll try to remember that…now, for Peter –

James: Sorry to interrupt, Wilber. But…Sirius, _get a grip of yourself!_ (looks at the muted – though still laughing – Marauder on the floor with contempt) WOULD YOU STOP LAUGHING ALREADY?! Jeez, the question wasn't even funny. What was that? An Itchy-Hair Hex? Goddammit, I don't even think it's a real hex!

Sirius: (now turning green)

Peter: (tugs the sleeve of the near-death, though _still_ laughing, Marauder) Are you alright, Sirius? You are scaring me…

Sirius: (once again, subject is unable to answer as he is now turning white, and is no longer laughing)

_Our interview shall be adjourned here as Sirius Black is now falling into a coma-like state and does not look to be in the condition of an interview._

Editor's Note from Wilber Lovegood

I should **not,** for the love of Merlin, be held responsible should anything happen to Sirius.

Jeez, all I did was ask the question. If anyone is to blame, BLAME IT ON THE OMFCH PEOPLE!


End file.
